Jolielle

farewell and birthday

Sun, 01 Jul 2007 22:23:09 GMT

又是一个6月28，又是一个生日。。。

这个生日过得很好，

21岁了，终于可以在美国合法喝酒了。

再也不用借女友的ID进酒吧了；

Asians all look the same to some Americans，

所以我才得以次次蒙骗过关。

倒不是我有多爱酗酒，

只是在美国文化里大家就是喜欢hang out in a bar, chill in a pub

所以没有人喜欢被isolated from social life because of being underage

所以2/3的宾大学生有假ID证明他们“超过”了21岁,

即便办一张假ID要150美元

"you can vote after u're 18 but u can only drink after 21"

这就是荒唐的美国法律带来的另类market potential

文宇和david开车从san francisco横穿美国直到东海岸又接着开回去

不偏不倚正巧在28号这天到了费城

也不知是巧合还是刻意

但不论如何我很满足

能在生日这天重逢挚友知己

只是，下学期他要去oracle做实习了所以暂不回新加坡

所以又是半年见不到了

迪箴这个周末专程从pitsburgh飞来探望我，

初中毕业一别至今六年未见，

如今她已是MIT electrical engineer的高材生，

又女大十八变，丰姿绰约

只能感叹时间太匆匆，我们都太匆忙

初中种种事情记上心头，

那个遥远的纯真年代

那些朦胧的美丽回忆

生日的前一天终于考完了intermediate microeconomics，

也交完了high tech venture development的final report

The timing can't be better

宾大super hectic的summer term终于落下帷幕了

下周一就去florida找the colton family,

已经认识了十多年的朋友，

和美国人一起过independence day (jul 4th)应该别有感触

7月5号去south bend (near chicago)找the tacchella family 顺便参加rebeccca's wedding

他们于我就像教父教母一样，

恩爱关怀备至

感谢那巧合的相遇和这不断的缘分

7月10号离开费城飞回新加坡

7月15号再从新加坡回厦门

突然想起Rob Stewart苍凉的歌喉

"i'm sailing, i'm sailing,

home again, across the sea,

i'm sailing, i'm sailing,

to be near you, to be free"

周五的晚上是我的farewell party + birthday party

本以为暑假一至，宾大校园人去楼空不会有人气了，

最后却也来了10多个宾大的朋友再加上NOC的同仁，

大家齐心协力，几瓶alcohol和wine便轻松下肚

毕竟，21岁的生日怎能没有酒精呢？

我开始头晕也有些哽咽

不知是被酒呛的还是被感动的

最后大家坐在地毯上天马行空地聊天直到4点

这已经是我连续第三个晚上4点以后睡觉早上7点多起床了

托生日和farewell的福最近老有人请吃饭

算是新一轮的farewell dinner/lunch，

上一轮是在五月初宾大spring semester结束时我去英国旅游之前

知道等我一周以后回到费城大家都已纷纷离去

所以就每天breakfast/lunch/dinner/second dinner都安排满当

饭后，照相，拥抱，祝福，再见，再回首，再挥手。

"So long, fare well, Auf Wiedersehen...

Adieu, adieu, to you and you and you..."

farewell永远是悲伤的事情

更加悲伤的是不知一下次会什么时候会面。

去年离开新加坡的时候并没有那么忧伤

是因为总知道一年后会再见的

心里有了定数就不那么迷茫。

可惜呀，这个世界未知太多，

我们这一代的人mobility太大，

总像浮云流水一样漂移不定。

真的不知道，

何时何地再能与你相遇

千言万语最后只能汇成一句ancient celtic blessing：

May the road rise to meet you,
May the wind be always at your back,
May the sun shine warm upon your face,
And the rain fall soft upon your fields
And until we meet again
May God hold you In the palm of His hand

maine, new hampshire, boston, white water rafting AND graduation ceremony

Sat, 16 Jun 2007 06:31:35 GMT

Basically, many things happened the past few weeks...

1. Went on a road trip to Maine (Acadia national park), New Hampshire (Mt. Washington), Boston

2. Went white water rafting in Pocono and strawberry-picking nearby

3. NOC graduation ceremony...

Maine是美国最东北部的州，我们开了12个小时的车才到达。那里最出名的是龙虾。那里到处都有lobster farm。我们每个人直接从笼子里挑了一只活蹦乱跳的龙虾，令餐厅当场水煮了让后就大快朵颐，痛快之极。

Mt. Washington was astounding! 高达1917米的mt. washington是美国东北部最高峰，以峰顶变化多端的天气而著称，山脚下是夏日炎炎，山顶上却是白雪皑皑。峰顶记载中的最高风速是372公里/小时，当时我们去的时候大约也有64公里/小时，感觉比飓风还把我们吹得无处可逃，东躲西藏。一路开车去山顶，路边的风景从热带变亚热带再到温带最后是寒带，到了山顶就是零下了。

真的很喜欢boston，有历史有文化有学术有美景。即便她天气不如San Francisco来的温和，我还是决定vote Boston as my favorite city in US. Thanks Khang and Yang Ming for showing us around Harvard and MIT respectively. Harvard Business School is so much more scenic than Wharton, which looks much more commercial. 哈佛商学院看上去就像个公园，小巧精美玲珑别致。下定决心了，以后MBA一定来Harvard。

上个周末去了白水漂流，或者说皮筏漂流。

White water rafting is awesome, second only to skydiving in terms of adrenalin rush~~ but, i got such a BAD sun burn after 5 hours of consecutive white water rafting!

I barely knew how to swim, so at first I was really scared that I would end up falling into the water and get a bad scare in the best or get drowned in the worst! But then it turned out that the river was kinda shallow, though the rapid was really swift. So if you ever fell into the river, the problem wouldn't be drowning, but would be fighting to stand up in the rapid water!

This is a class III white water rafting area so there are plenty rocks in the middle of the river, some showing themselves while some lurking treacherously just beneath the surface. Many rafts, as did ours, ran onto them and got stuck there. Then we had to bounce around the raft to get it unhooked.

周一，是NOC的毕业典礼。一年了，突然很感伤。大家一提到要道别了都感慨万千，甚至唏嘘不已。由于费城比San Francisco 小很多，所以我们18个人都住的很近，之间走路不超过10分钟，所以基本上可以说是生活在一起的。尤其是和自己的housemates, 更是朝夕相处，已经大有一家人之势，但现在却别离在即。以后，应该会在某个时刻，突然很思念和neisha躺在各自床上仰望窗外星空谈着心事的日子; 应该会想念那个很疼人，心胸宽阔却略微腼腆的Elvin, 应该会怀念楼上的Xian Kan温和的笑容, Ka Mung的冷笑话, Jessie的热情和 Gim Huat的listening ears and understanding nature. 会想念所有的人，包括下一界的9个人，大家一起煮饭一起谈笑一起旅游一起做傻事。要走了，却突然发现自己根本没有准备好，于是变做一只鸵鸟，一头扎进TV series和小说的世界里，pretending that by doing so i can put off the moment that I start preparing for departure. Anyway, my emotions are beyond words now, so let me just quote a girl friend of mine:

"And all the enthusiasm had fade away. I had too many loose ends to tie, too many pimples to cure, too many pounds too lose, too much emotion to settle, too much due work to wrap up. Unreadiness was what struck me the most."

The Dead by Billy Collins

Tue, 29 May 2007 18:05:06 GMT

Stumbled across this entry and found it so strikingly poignant yet beautiful that I decided to put it here...Let's make it a tribute to those who died in the shooting at Virginia Tech, although it was awhile ago...it's also to those who exited from our lives too early. afterall, for some, it's too soon, too soon to say goodbye. but just bear in mind that they are all shining down on us from heaven, like stars...

http://yichenwang.spaces.live.com/PersonalSpace.aspx?owner=1

The Dead

----- Billy Collins

The dead are always looking down on us, they say,

while we are putting on our shoes or making a sandwich,

they are looking down through the glass-bottom boats of heaven

as they row themselves slowly through eternity.

They watch the tops of our heads moving below on earth,

and when we lie down in a field or on a couch,

drugged perhaps by the hum of a warm afternoon,

they think we are looking back at them,

which makes them lift their oars and fall silent

and wait, like parents, for us to close our eyes.

诗人的文字，能把逝去的写活，能把恐怖的话题写得可爱的好像孩子的眼睛，能把哲人探讨了千年的问题浓缩到两句话里面。

好的诗像一朵怒放得烟花，震撼，美丽，过目不忘，回味无穷。

英伦9日

Thu, 17 May 2007 05:01:13 GMT

上传了照片，写一篇entry, 这次英伦之旅就算有了完整的交待，我终于能够甘心地结束幻觉离开梦境回归现实。

大致行程安排如下：

Sat：oxford

Sun: cambridge

Mon-Wed: London

Thu-Fri: Edinburgh

Sat: London again...

Sun: fly back to philly...

牛津剑桥的魅力自不待说，光是历史，文化和学术的积淀就倾倒世人，我就不一一阐述了。不过两天以来的最高潮的莫过于摇桨于康河上。原以为徐志摩的《再别康桥》神话了康河剑桥，但亲自荡舟其中后发现其实不假。每一座经过的桥都有她自己的故事，河岸边的每一栋房子都有她自己的传说。Bridge of Sighs原本是威尼斯的，是即将被关入监狱的犯人入狱前的最后一段路，所以他们都不免哀叹这是他们最后一次见证威尼斯的美景了，因而得次名。后来，牛津剑桥都有了自己的叹息桥，据说考砸了的学生们都常去那里唉声叹气。不过英国的学生考不好确实该沮丧一下，因为他们每门课一年只考一次，平时的作业, project都不怎么算分，所以一年一度的期末大考就占了很大比例，如果考砸了整门课就废了，和美国或者新加坡continual assessment的方式很不一样。Queen's College的Mathematical Bridge据说本来是不费一螺一钉，完全靠精确的几何构造计算受力的方式搭建而成。结果后来有人不信，把整座桥拆了验证这一点，结果再也搭建不回去了，只好依靠螺丝钉的帮助重新建了桥。所以现在大家看到的就是浑身是螺丝钉的桥。康河沿路经过的都是剑桥最令人景仰的college，King’s college, Queen’s College, Trinity College etc etc…所谓的college其实最主要是一个住宿单位，每个学生住在college提供的房子里。至于学习，学生们到全牛津或者全剑桥统一的教室上大课，然后review session or tutorial则由每个college自己开办。

伦敦和纽约其实有神似之处，都是国际都市，同是金融中心，同样是博物馆，戏剧院荟萃。不同的是，在伦敦，museums are free, but entering cathedrals or chapels are not. This is the exact opposite in NYC. 第二，伦敦的地铁错综复杂程度比纽约更胜一筹，并且“深不可测”，要坐老长老长的天梯一样的escalator才能钻回地面。更好笑的是，伦敦地铁时常会开着开着半途戛然而止，然后全车熄灯，然后又重新亮灯一切恢复正常。对于第一次坐地铁的人而言，一定有一种大祸临头的感觉。在伦敦，去了Big Ben, Westminster, Trafalgar Square, British Museum, Tate Modern, St Paul’s Cathedral, Tower of London, Buckingham’s Palace, Windsor Castle, Eton College, Greenwich, watched musical Les Miserables, etc. 最爱London Tower的那个滑稽的guide. He told the Americans in the crowd: The long history of London Tower could have been yours, if you have paid taxes…He told the Australians in the group: Australians are filthy rich, cos even animals have pockets! He called people like him peanut-eaters because: in ancient times, the guards of Tower of London were fed beef and thus called “beef-eaters” by outsiders. But now they could only be called peanut-eaters because they were paid peanuts (=paid very little). He also said that, the prisoners to be executed usually had to pay the executer for rendering the “service” of severing their heads from their bodies, and thus the “severance fee”…最爱温莎城堡，透着帝国不凡的气度和贵族的气质，尤其是那些丰富得让人触目惊心的收藏和奢侈无度的皇宫装饰。Windsor castle has been the royal residence for hundreds of years till today. So how do you know if the Queen is in or not? There is a flag on top of one of the buildings, if the British national flag is mounted, then Queen is elsewhere. If, however, a royal yellow flag is mounted, then Queen is in the castle. The Queen happened to be in the castle when I visited, but I never got to see Her Majesty though...

最后去了爱丁堡，典型的英国城市，典雅，古朴，宁静，天空永远是灰白色的，时不时惆怅地落几滴细雨，街头巷尾飘扬的是哀伤温婉的风笛声。去了Edinburgh Castle, 在高高的山坡上独自矗立，有一种英雄陌路的悲壮感。去了highland tour, 见识了苏格兰美妙绝伦的高地，见识了沧桑的古堡，见识了穿着花格子裙子吹着风笛口音奇怪的苏格兰男子，见识了出“水怪“的尼斯湖，。Loch Ness can hold more water than the total of all waters of England and Wales and is 30 meters deeper than the deepest of North Sea. But for a lake of such capacity, Loch Ness is surprisingly unproductive, being the living place for just a dozen different species of fish, because of its lack of minerals in the water, which in turn sustain little micro-organisms, which means little fish can survive in the water.

9天的马不停蹄的旅行，让我疲惫不堪，几欲破产，但却大长见识，如饮醍醐。要隆重感谢郭睿和龚挺，用他们的魅力吸引了大批老同学前来聚餐，让我也结识了一批剑桥牛津LSE, Imperial的英才俊杰。感谢honghao和lisha提供的住宿，让我住得舒服还省了银子。

当然，魅力无限的英国并不完美，现在让我来小节一下英国的三大缺点：

糟糕的天气：都五月中旬了，却还冷风飕飕阴雨绵绵，终日难见阳光。据说每年英国只炎热短短的一个月，而偏偏英国的大多数地方都没有空调，比如地铁，譬如每个家庭，所以那一个月就格外燥热难熬，热死者无数。但其余时间英国又阴冷交加，阴晴不定，这天气脾气还真怪！英国人自嘲道：at least this weather is interesting, and full of surprises!

饮食的地狱：大家都听过French cuisine, Italian food, Chinese food, Korean food, Japanese food, Greek food, but has anyone ever heard of “English cuisine” before? Exactly, for budget eaters, England has the lousiest food ever in the world! Anything bordering on delicious is bloody expensive!

高不可及的生活费：一个sandwich 2.5-3 pounds, 1 CD for 20 pounds etc… these coupled with high tax rates make UK a bad place to save money indeed! 所以很多ibanker都不愿意在英国office工作，因为昂贵的生活费和高税率。英国税高是有原因的，想想吧，英国看医生是免费的，只要在英国呆满一年以上的外国人都享有这个权力。英国的学校是免费的，就连上牛津剑桥本国人也一年只交1000多英镑。而美国呢？医疗费是最为昂贵的了，而大学学费更是很多家庭的难题，一年40000多美元呀～

The entry before departure to England

Fri, 04 May 2007 20:22:34 GMT

Actually, tons of breathtaking stuff happened in April. But anyway, I just uploaded a whole backlog of photos and here're a few notes to them:

Disclaimer: Although I was seen holding a beer bottle in some pictures, I really am NOT drinking much, it just so happened that all those pictures were taken in succession and I didn't even get a chance to put down that beer bottle! Eventually, I only managed to finish half of it, and got a good tease from ryan about not being able to even finish a beer...

Hey Day:

This is a special tradition of Penn and takes place on the last day of the Spring semester. All the juniors (that is, 3rd year students) are supposed to wear a hat and wear the specially designed Hey Day Tshirt and parade on campus with a cane. The seniors (4th year students) who line up along the two sides as the juniors walk by will have the right to harass them with whatever they like: eggs, tomatos, ketchup, chocolate syrup, mustard, flour. Afterwards, all gross, the juniors will gather to listen to the speech given by the President of Penn formally declaring them "seniors". Vivre class of 2008! :)

Fixed Income Securities team:

yeah, we had really good bonding! kudos to nikolaus, casey and parvesh! we had tons of fun while working together on the two simulations and finally celebrated the finale with a gourmet dinner at POD, another fantastic fusion food place opened by restaurant maverick Steven Starr. but...we spent bloody US$47 each on dinner and drinks~

Engineering Entrepreneurship:

I LOVE THIS COURSE! i love prof. cassel, the TA, the classmates and mostly my dearest team mates ryan, alex and manuel for our team called CardioGuard! Ok, at first there was quite a bit of misunderstanding. To me, ryan was a typical american white college kid from an expensive school like penn: he is on penn squash team so as an athlete he's quite burly, he's from a well-to-do family cos his dad's a doctor, he's from a fraternity so he should carry the trademark symbols of a frat boy: party-animal, alcoholic and smokes weed. Well, he was somewhat offended when he learnt what i thought of him at first and started out proving to me that i was wrong. after all those scintillating conversation, constant interaction and my observations, i found that, despite the fact that he drinks a lot and parties heavily, he is brainy, aware of what he's doing, what he wants for life and is someone with principles and morals. besides, he's been very helpful and enthusiastic in introducing more about american culture to me~~ i really couldn't ask for a better teammate! through him and alex, although i may necessarily approve of what's going on on american college campuses, at least now i have a better understanding of where it's coming from. Alex is a very sweet guy, considerate and diligent. Manuel is a rough but cool Mexican guy. Other coursemates of the course are equally amazing and we had so much fun during the class and at the "survivor's party" at Cassel's palatial home. Brandon Malet, Michelle Jacobson, Shannon Devat, Vipul, Dan Tomascho, Rick Stevenson, Kaned, Nick Drake, Mike Provenzano, Jessie, Elvin, XK, Ka Mung etc...u guys are awesome!

Alright, I gotta bounce now~~ 4 hours towards departure and i haven't even started packing yet!

miscellanous

Thu, 05 Apr 2007 05:20:46 GMT

发现自己blog是越写越短了。。。

anyway, 几周以前和宾大的ballroom and latin dance club一起去了princeton university参加比赛，虽然我只参加了"new comer" category. 我回新加坡一定要继续这个new found passion~

放几张照片，算是给大家对于近况的一个交待了。

P.S.发现自己化妆以后看起来像女鬼。。。还是素面朝天的好。

P.S.S. 五月份准备去英国玩儿，have been fantasizing about england for a long long time...

NBA game--76ers VS Rockets basketball game

Mon, 19 Mar 2007 04:08:41 GMT

如题

生平第一次去看现场篮球赛，费城的76人队主场对战Houston的火箭队。姚明是火箭队的，可76人队是主场，我很为难是要为哪方加油，最后民族主义战胜地方主义，我大力为姚明呼喊。不过毕竟身在虎穴，不得为非作歹，所以叫的时候很小心，姚明进球的时候我没敢拿出100％的音量，怕被身旁的球迷痛扁。

我不懂球，其实我与其说去看球不如说是去看姚明，幸得有身旁的YX同学解说，才看懂了一半的比赛。到后来比分实在相差太大，火箭队以30多分领先，我就没了兴趣，买了粉红色的棉花糖左啃右嚼，弄得一幅狼狈不堪的样子。这就是真球迷和假球迷的区别，真正的球迷应该是会坚持关注比赛到最后一分钟的。最后，火箭队以124：74赢了76人队，如此悬殊的比分在NBA中应该算少见的。可怜的费城，请别为次哭泣。Success if not final, failure is not fatal, it is the courage to continue that counts.

在宾大的时间不多了，我开始好好计划每周的安排：学车，去D.C.看樱花展，去Boston拜访故友，去Virginia看海，安排和人吃饭，去纽约看百老汇的演出，去听费城的交响乐团演奏......

我.真.的.不.想.走！！！

Spring break in Shanghai

Tue, 13 Mar 2007 06:01:24 GMT

"Flying halfway across the globe just to spend one week in Shanghai? this is economically inefficient", commented the efficiency-minded whartonites... yes, economically inefficient as it is indeed, there i was, 17*2=34 hours on the plane...back to shanghai, on the business tour organized by wharton china business society.

大半年前，刚到宾大的我，决定不囿于noc这个小圈子，参加一些当地的课外活动，当时看到wharton china biz society spring tour in shanghai在招executive vice president (evp), 就索性报了名，想必是他们看中了我中文好的缘故，破格招了个交换生作evp. 就这样，半年后的今天，和jeanne一起领队，带着一帮大一大二的小孩儿们回到了上海。此行的主要目的（at least ostensibly so) 是为了拜访一些上海的公司，了解中国的经济情况。白天我们参观了L'Oreal, William Morris Agency (a world renowned talent agency), Deloitte & Touche, Bain & Company, DFJ Dragon Fund (the most prominent private equity fund in china, the chinese branch of draper fisher jurvetson, the top VC in USA), chinaVest (an investment bank in china), Shanghai Volkswagon, Yan Dan Sheng law firm, Geely holding group (吉利), 娃哈哈. 说实话，还是比较prefer跨国公司，一来是英语听得放心，不用我给队里的非华人作翻译；二来是他们分析中国的经济情况比较客观，不像中国的公司一再地讴歌改革开放的伟大成果；三来是跨国公司的presentation skills实在强很多，对于我们这种晚上夜生活丰富的一群人而言，presentation的好坏还是很容易区分的 :P

其实，这次旅行之所以开眼界并不仅仅是因为有机会和那些大公司的高层人员交谈，也因为和这帮美国小孩儿混熟了人生观有点受影响。才18，9岁20出头的一帮小毛孩儿，却纷纷对婚姻没有兴趣或者没有信心，

"i don't believe in marriages", "i can't see myself tied down to a single person all my life" etc;

对于爱情他们有着很有趣的理论：

"physical attraction is a must. whenever i meet someone new, if i can't be attracted to his appearance instantly, i will never date him."

"there's this popular ladder theory, one leg of the ladder being the 'non-datable' category, or 'friend' category, while the other leg being the 'datable': whenever u meet someone new, within the first 30 seconds u make a mental judgement, consciously or unconsciously, which category he/she belongs to. then he/she starts to climb up this ladder, on one of these two legs, and never cross each other unless at the two ends. that is, either at the very beginning where he/she can be put into both categories, or at the very end. i.e. u're such intimate lovers that u r also each other's soul mate, and thus best friend; alternatively, u become such kindred spirits that u find urself eventually in love with each other..."

"all i want is a hot girl~"

当谈及为何宾大的couple 率一直很底，虽然flirt and random make out是时常有的，他们的结论是：

people at upenn are all very busy and practical. relationship means commitment, and commitment means opportunity costs. why would u spend so much time/resources on someone with whom u r not sure if u will eventually marry instead of using the time to network, to get another internship, to study more, or simply to party more...besides, commitment is just not practical at upenn, people do exchange programs all the time, or they intern at different locations, etc etc. that's why fling is such commonplace at Upenn, it satisfies ur certain needs, and it doesn't take much commitment...

感叹一个，这年头人都怎么了？难道那些 “执子之手，与子偕老”的美丽故事都成了圣诞老人一样的自欺欺人的美丽谎言了吗？

谈点轻松的话题，到上海的当天正好是元霄节。晚上，我们去了城隍庙。记忆中，我似乎并没有庆祝过元霄节，也三年春节没回家了，所以看着这里的张灯结彩，笙歌乐舞，人头攒动，我竟然头一次有了过元霄节的感动。从那天开始，一直到下一个周六，大家几乎是每晚都去clubbing，凌晨4，5点而归，小憩片刻，清晨又早起梳洗，西装革履人模人样地去访问公司。这或许就是american college kids最强的地方，不论白天怎样劳累，晚上一定是party animal; 不论晚上怎样party，第二天起来依然是精力充沛; 晚上的party自然少不了alcohol and sensual dances, 甚至有人吸食陌生人递来的marijuana, but jeanne reassured the shocked me that marijuana is commonplace in Upenn...OMG, i've been such a good girl all the while...对于clubbing, 我勉强去了两晚，就当见识上海的夜生活吧。其实the guys in our group are very protective, they circled all the girls in our group inside, so that they could act as the wall between us and the random sketchy guys who tried to make a move on us...我不喜酒，不过周六的晚上，在大家的怂恿下，并且既然是last night in shanghai, 也就兴起,在我们住的酒店里参合着众人喝酒, 不过两杯whisky下肚我就开始头重脚轻，所以决定留在宾馆里而不join他们的game (pre-game means drinking in the hotel, game means actual clubbing, post-game means something after that)。我听从了sherry的教导，“drink many cups of water and stay awake till u sober up, or u'll have a severe hangover tomorrow morning!” , 不过我最终不敌酒意和睡意的双重折磨，几杯白水后依然倒在沙发上和衣而睡，第二天早上整个人似乎还是可以function的。

Anyway, one week in shanghai, the ultimate of indulgement and wild fun; whatever happens in shanghai, stays in shanghai.

回来的飞机上竟然碰到了我在宾大的挚友之一的郭二，不胜惊喜。他说自己大一大二的时候也很疯狂过，加入了fraternity，常常party, 饮酒作乐，佳人入怀，不够一段时间后发现自己怎么样也爱上不了这样西式的生活，于是又洗面革新，重回“正途”。其实是这样的，在中国长大的我们骨子里挥之不去的是中国的情结，西式的疯狂西式的堕落，我们只可以浅尝，只可以偶尔作客，却不能常留；就如同我只能尝试理解却不能接受前面我所提到的宾大的美国孩子们对于爱情和婚姻的看法一样；我想，这可能是我永远不能够融入本地社会的原因。不过，或许，美国有好多种主流文化，我所体验的只是当中的一支，总会有一支比较吻合我的价值观的；也兴许，现在年轻的我们还没有资格对婚姻爱情指手画脚地大加评论，10年后，大家会自有公道。

杂叙

Mon, 12 Feb 2007 01:26:22 GMT

看了看上次entry的日期，借用sean的话来说就是：很好，这快成月刊了。我看照这么下去，我的blog有朝双月刊甚至季刊的趋势发展。。。

最近生活前所未有的好。似乎自从新年伊始到现在心情就一直不错。其实生活并没有大的变化，重要的心态不同了。有的事情尘埃落定，水落石出真的很好，让我停止无休止的猜测，用沉默和遗忘去埋葬过去。

很喜欢这学期上的课。一门是noc必修的engineering entrepreneurship II, 每周都有presentation, 狂做 market research和写report. upenn所subscribe的database真的真的很powerful, 应有尽有，财大气粗果然是不一样。。。感叹一个~ 很喜欢三个可爱老实的project mates, 2 americans and 1 mexican，学engineer的人果然很可爱. 另一门是fixed income securities, reputedly the most technical course in wharton, 讲各种各样的bond and their derivatives. 这个教授很牛，讲话慢条斯理，惜字如金但却字字珠玑，而且分析得清晰透彻，竟然让我对数学产生了好感，难能可贵！还顺便旁听了一门wharton的课operations management 101，专门讲excel, access and vba. 不得不说，wharton的课名副其实，才听了两节课我就已经觉得如饮醍醐，受益匪浅。老师讲课也特别好，像只猴子一样的在诺大的教师里上下穿梭，不停地像每个学生提问，基本上记住了150个学生每个人的名字。

不过wharton坏就坏在人实在太现实了。YL 告诉了我这样一个他的project mate的故事：

When i had a project meeting today, I had a project mate who told me that she stayed up till 3am last night, doing cost benefit analysis using decision trees, NPVs (net present value) with excel. i thought she was just being really hardcore with academics but then she told me she was doing that for one of her girlfriends, who wanted to use excel to decide which guy to date, by looking at which relationship is more financially benefitial... oh my goodness!!!

The moral of the story is: don't date a W*** girl...

很喜欢这学期的活动。依然每周去学跳舞，一周3-4次，samba, rumba, cha cha, salsa, tango, waltz, quick step，swing etc.。我真是奇怪，原来在家的时候有专门的老师一对一教我，我死活学不会，来了这里，和着人群跟老师屁颠儿屁颠儿地竟然还学会了一些皮毛。我们跳舞的舞伴是rotation性质的，教舞步的时候男女分开，练习的时候每5分钟换一个舞伴，这样就可以保证不论男女生比例，总可以有舞伴和你跳。在一支舞当中，男生总是leader，女生是follower. 男生领得好实在太重要了，男生领得好女生可以放心地发挥，他朝哪里领你你就朝哪里转；男生领得不好女生跳得再好也没有用，就像一辆奔驰没有方向盘，就像一朵鲜花插在牛粪上粪臭味终会掩过芬芳。。。

上周五去看了vagina monologue，一部著名的女权主义话剧，absolutely striking and fabulous, a must-see for all who want to know what it means by being the quintessence of feminism. but...the content can be very shocking for the conversative-minded... 我是在Upenn看的，我的前面坐了一排女同性恋，在黑暗中亲吻搂抱。开眼界啊长见识啊培养tolerance啊，也让我再一次确定了自己不是同性恋～～

最近比较少去旅游，因为是冬天，大雪纷飞实在不适合开车出游，等开春了我就又到处去旅游。不过喜欢和朋友走在宾大校园里听着教堂钟声踏着积雪的感觉，想起了the sound of music里的那首美妙的歌：

MY FAVOURITE THINGS

...

Wild geese that fly
With the moon on their wings,
These are a few of my favorite things.

...

Girls in white dresses with blue satin sashes,
Snowflakes that stay on my nose and eyelashes,
Silver white winters that melt into springs
These are a few of my favorite things.

When the dog bites,
When the bee stings,
When I'm feeling sad.
I simply remember my favorite things,
And then I don't feel so bad!

有时候去打保龄球，有时候去溜冰，有时候去gym, 有时候去看hockey，有时候去party，也会为了赶作业彻夜不眠，也会因为某些挫折委屈得掉眼泪，有时候也会无奈地接受现实的宣判。但总体而言，这里的人这里的事大多都让我欣喜。我发现自己真的爱上这里了, 一想到还有几个月我就要离开了就揪心地难过。不是我不想念新加坡，那里发生的所有过往都历历在目，有时恍惚刹那间，我会走神得厉害，温馨的flashback把自己感动得几欲落泪，让旁边的人觉得莫明其妙。只是，这大半年，磕磕绊绊地走过来，真的不容易，很高兴路上有你与我同行，有的在身旁有的在天涯，却默契不减。这一年，会让一生，留恋。。。

快到情人节了，祝有情人终成眷属。快过年了，给大家拜个早年。回家过年的幸福的人，一路平安，好好陪陪爸妈。在异国他乡度过佳节的人，与朋友欢聚，希望也能够没有回家胜似回家。所有人都新年快乐！！！不快乐的人是。。。猪！

小小update

Sat, 20 Jan 2007 17:06:07 GMT

关于最近的生活，有的东西尘埃落定，有的东西半悬空中，不可名状，前途未卜。不过总体趋势是好的，心情是乐观的，态度是积极的，总之，新年里，我暂且活得快乐，也憧憬着美好。

生活太忙太乱，我不知从何说起，等我给生活理了个头绪出来，才跟大家娓娓道来。所以就转载一篇让我感动的文章吧，不过请不要对号入座。

听说爱情很美丽 (zt)

在朋友的blog看到这篇文章，才知道原来《西游记》中演唐僧的徐少华和演女儿国国王的朱琳之间有这么一个故事。

君生我未生，
我生君已老。
恨不生同时，
日日与君好。

第二次看艺术人生-西游记专场，仍然唏嘘不已。
女儿国国王朱琳上台时说下如下的话——
朱军问：“这部戏重播的话，你还看吗？”
朱琳：“我其实，我的目光锁定就是御帝哥哥。”;
朱军：“御帝哥哥？”
朱琳直视台下的唐僧徐少华，说：“我今天其实最想说的就是，自女儿国一别，至今已经二十载，御帝哥哥别来无恙？”
朱军：“为什么感情这么深啊？”
朱琳：“虽然是一个有头无尾的爱情，但是是一段人间佳话。”平静下，她继续说：“因为其实想想人生，这个，就人这一生是有很多七情六欲的，然后也会碰到很多诱惑的，但是像女儿国国王这样的，识大体，明大义，最后把爱情当作一种憧憬，一种追求，一种享受，我觉得就是进入了一种境界了。女儿国国王做到了，我希望我也能做到。”

听到这里，不禁让人清泪潸然。朱琳二十多年未嫁，或许不仅仅为了这位“御弟哥哥”，可是在镜头前，在千万观众前如此深情的表露，还是令人震撼。真个有缘无份！徐少华在进西游记剧组前三天结婚，他能如何？而朱琳自此守侯，至今未嫁，她又何苦？一个忠于责任，一个忠于爱情。怨不得谁，怨不得谁！戏里戏外，竟是一般模样。

浅浅一句“别来无恙”，万千情愫，万千关切，“御弟哥哥”，你到底作何心情？岁月的风霜在朱琳鬓间染下风华，可雍容优雅的笑容一如当年，即使笑容中掩不去泪眶盈盈。二十年过去，女王送走唐僧时的不舍与悲伤一点都不曾削减。

我一直想，为什么二十多年，他们都不曾相见？“御弟哥哥”必是情难以堪，可是朱琳呢？却也抵得住二十年的相思相守？或许是想明白了，懂得有些事不能强求，只能天定，所以便忍住不去相见。是啊，见到又如何呢？艺术人生里，坐在观众席的朱琳掩面而泣，而走上台面对“御弟哥哥”的她，却浅笑嫣然，她那时心中是何等滋味啊？从来没有如此喜爱过女儿国国王，因为朱琳，让那段遗憾的爱情卓显的更加美丽。

随而想到奶茶的那首歌“请允许我尘埃落定，用沉默埋葬了过去。满身风雨我从海上来，才隐居在这沙漠里。该隐瞒的事总清晰，千言万语只能无语。爱是天时地利的迷信，原来你也在这里。哪一个人是不是只存在梦境里，为什么我用尽全身力气，却换来半生回忆。若不是你渴望眼睛，若不是我救赎心情。在千山万水人海相遇，原来你也在这里。”

爱情并不复杂，兜兜转转，流过不少眼泪，重逢的一刻，也不过是一句浅浅的“你好吗？”只是这句淡然的问候中埋藏着多少遗憾思念，别人无从知晓。如果有一天，在路上重逢，我告诉你“我现在很好”，那一定是伪装的，如果只能够跟你重逢，不能相守，怎么会好呢？我只是不想你知道其实我很伤心。

new york new york

Mon, 01 Jan 2007 22:58:28 GMT

最近update地比较频繁，因为确实最近生活中精彩比较多。可惜我文笔不够，只能直抒胸臆，却不能给人美感，大家见谅。我写完这篇blog就去冬眠一阵儿，好好补补我拉下的活计。

昨天去了new york's time square new year count down. 好久没见着这么多人了，人山人海都不及形容那种拥挤的景象。为了能看到那个ball drop（据说是有一个水晶球从顶上掉下来代表新的一年的开始），人们从中午12点就开始排队，比中国民工春节回家买火车票还积极。我们CUUS(chinese undergrad in US)一群人比较闲散，慢悠慢悠地吃了晚餐才过去排队，所以最后只能在5 block以外的侧面观看水晶球掉下来了。不过即便是这样，我们也在寒风中整整哆嗦着站了4个小时，挨饿的挨饿，憋着不能上厕所的憋着，冷得直叫唤的人叫唤，才换来最后激动的那一刻，结果还看不到球，因为是侧面。只能和着大家倒计时，看到满天的烟花，和旁边的美国人发飙式的尖叫和上窜下跳。然后我们就一起坐地铁到upper manhattan的university of columbia的campus, 在一个大的lounge里打瞌睡，唠嗑儿，玩杀人游戏，一直到天亮。纽约下了一夜又一早的雨，在这新年的热烈气氛中，有点扫兴。

纽约，人们总说是天堂也是地狱，遍地是金但也遍地是无家可归的流浪汉，犯罪率极高。这里要澄清几个概念并且dymystify一下。虽然只去过纽约5次，但每一次都有不同的感触。

首先，美国有两个纽约，纽约州(New York State)和纽约市(New York City). 纽约市是纽约州里的一部分（但不是首府，美国各州的首府基本上都是不知名的小地方）。纽约市分为5个区，最出名最繁华也最安全的是manhattan, manhattan右下角是大大的brooklyn, 左上角是bronx,右上角是queens,左下角还有一个小岛叫。。。我也忘了，不过不重要。联合国总部，华尔街，百老汇，正宗的唐人街全在manhattan, 那里真是荟萃了纽约市所有的精华，奢靡和风情万种。至于剩下的小岛，纽约市的两个机场laguardia airport and JFK(John F. Kennedy) international airport都在brooklyn, 和victoria and beckham的第一个孩子同名，也是黑人多犯罪率高的地方。queens and bronx我都不了解，不过貌似queens有很大的korean town and china town.

第一次去纽约是刚到美国第二天，那时还艳阳高照那时我还满腔兴奋，一口气去了自由女神像，联合国总部，世贸中心遗址，帝国大厦顶端，拿着相机到处咔嚓，典型的FOB(fresh off boat)型的外国人。

第二次是9月1日，美国的劳动节。纽约下了入秋的第一场雨，凉得让我感冒了一个多月才好。忘不了那精彩的百老汇音乐剧Rent, 忘不了一起撑伞走在central park外披风破雨的感觉，忘不了metropolitan museum里的握手取暖，忘不了最繁华的第五大道（5th ave)上的古老教堂st. patrick cathedral里的那场婚礼。。。但最温馨的画面总难免有点悲情，因为不知道这种美好能够维持多久。可惜，如今早已是，无物结同心，烟花不堪剪。

第三次是和几个朋友专程去纽约吃一顿晚饭而已。夜色的纽约很美，不是睡美人的那种，因为纽约是不睡的，而是紫色妖姬的那种，带着难以捉摸的诱惑力，蛊惑着年轻的心。不知不睡的纽约是不是不老的纽约，百年之后是否还能风采依旧风华绝代。

第四次是一个人去纽约拿加拿大的签证。加拿大领事馆就在大名鼎鼎的rockfeller center对面。签证办得太顺利了，没有预约没有面试，交材料40分钟后就拿到签证了。然后就索性在那条繁华的街上作window shopping. 再次体味到这里的物欲横流，极尽奢靡。这里的商品如此眩目如此昂贵得近乎高贵，撩动着每一个触目的心，让你想要拥有想要霸占，逼你去努力用血汗换脖子上的一颗璀璨的钻石或者一套华丽的晚服或者一个高档酒吧里的一杯sherry temple，太物质太摧残了。至于精神层面，百老汇的歌剧舞剧话剧音乐会一应俱全，但是那一张入场券依然可以是中国一个民工半个月的工资。最实惠的还是博物馆，10美元可以打发一天。学生最喜欢的还是免费的new york public library, academic氛围浓得让人景仰。普通百姓最爱的是免费的central park, 如果说华尔街是纽约的心脏那么central park就是纽约的肺和肝，让人refresh让人rejuvenate。这里还有著名的学府University of Columbia and New York University。就是不知道里面的莘莘学子怎能挡住如纸般单薄的一墙之外的诱惑静心虔读。不过，new york university是没有自己的campus, 完全和省市融为一体了，大学就是城市，社会就是大学。

第五次，也就是昨天今天的纽约时代广场新年倒计时了。那么久的等待那么多的煎熬只为换一刻的心跳，仿佛千金都难买那寸刻的热血沸腾。不过，如果以后要带家人看我就提前花重金包下时代广场旁边的酒店最高层的客房，总之以后我再也不干这钟傻事儿了。不过人年轻的时候就应该干几件疯狂的事情，拥有几段刻骨铭心的感情。

纽约，天上人间，人间地狱。我还想去伦敦，去巴黎，去柏林。愿上天赐我一双翅膀，一对慧眼，一颗童心，去体味去感受。

圣诞旅行

Sun, 31 Dec 2006 08:10:09 GMT

十二天的旅途，先是一路向南直到美国最西南的San Diego，然后折东直到著名的大峡谷Grand canyon，然后冲北直到美国最西北的Seattle,穿过边境去了加拿大的温哥华，匆匆抚过了美国的西海岸，San Francisco, Los Angeles, San Diego, Las Vegas, Grand Canyon, Seattle (passing by) and Vancouver. 虽然脚下匆匆，但心里却很坦然尽兴地去欣赏每一处景，品位每一种感受，了解身边的每一个可爱的旅伴或者接待的朋友。一整程下来，收获颇丰，首先是认识或者更加了解了几个朋友，欣赏他们的谈吐不俗，他们多姿多彩的经历，更感谢他们对我一整程的悉心照顾热情接待。俗话说在家靠父母，出门靠朋友，这一次旅途我是完全体会到了。没有他们，我这次就会无家可归，寸步难行，情绪波动巨大。总之，我是个没长大的孩子，到哪儿都得靠人，欠人的太多，心中的感激和感动满溢得要绝堤了，却找不到最合适的形容词。只想在这里真心地感谢一下他们。

Xiaolei and Li Yuan: Thanks for being my shoulder to cry on, my shelter when facing homelessness head-on, for all the advice about love and life, for being such good and tireless "chauffeur", for helping me locating my lost cell phone...u're angels sent by God on this trip! :)

Feng: Thanks for being such a sister to me, sharing with me all the fun and enlightening me with all ur witty comments! U're such a darling! SF would have been so much less fun without u!

Chao: Thanks for offering ur place to stay, for being the perfect tour guide of San Francisco, and for all the eye-opening experiences with Google that u made possible.

Wenyu: Thanks for ur brotherly support and comfort!

David: Thanks for helping with getting my cell phone back!

Rex and Wayne: Thanks for being such fantastic travel companions, planning the trip and driving me here and there!

Xiaoniu: Thanks for being such a wonderful travel companion, entertaining us all the time with ur humor. I'm amazed at ur precociousness.

Yang Bo: Thanks for showing me around Stanford even if we just met. It has such an amazingly beautiful campus!

Jiechun: Thanks for the hospitality in SF~ so happy to catch u with u again after such a long separation

Yuyuan and Duan Le: Thanks for the hospitality even if we just met!!! Now I have a good impression on guys graduated from Qinghua...haha

Shengmao: Thanks for being a good co-host of vancouver and for the understanding

Ziwu: Thanks for being such an excellent host of vancouver and such a patient coach for skiing! Above all, thanks for all the understanding and warmth, after all this time and all that has happened...

这一份感动，我会永存心底！

其次，来简单谈一谈所见所闻：

California: (SF, LA, San Diego)

最爱最留念加利福尼亚的阳光，那样灿烂那样慷慨地撒下来，即便是在冬天。天气很好，环境很干净，生活相对而言比较laid back. 总之我的个人意见是：东海岸的美国比较传统保守，比较formal, （可能是因为是financial hub的缘故），而且偏向于白人至上；有大量文化和历史遗产，各种歌剧舞剧音乐剧各色博物馆古老的建筑一应俱全。西海岸的美国比较开放，是大量“现代运动”发源或者盛行的温床，比如同性恋和女权主义；这里人的背景更加diverse, 有大量亚裔和西班牙裔的人（多得什么招牌都是西班牙语的），生活相对laid-back, 更加偏向entrepreneuial-spirit and creativity. 当然，这只是一个很粗枝大叶的generalization, 其实不论什么城市都是有自己的灵魂的，只要仔细倾听体味，总有你喜欢的东西。。。

去了一趟离SF 很近的Napa valley, 一个盛产葡萄酒的小镇，主要的支柱产业便是小镇四周一望无际的葡萄种植园和遍地的winery (中文叫什么来着？品酒的小馆？）。我发现，所有红酒在我嘴里都是一个味道，或者即便有差别，喝完了就忘了，我真是对自己的味蕾失望极了。唉，我承认，i can never be too cultured or too 小资，since i drink neither coffee nor wine...什么灯光昏暗的酒吧里坐在高脚凳上摇曳着腿，抿着香醇红酒，欣赏着jazz等待艳遇的浪漫，什么小咖啡馆里品着热cappucino翻一本好书的情调，都去死吧，本小姐就是不沾alcohol不喜咖啡，我有自己的浪漫温情的方式，不要别人预设好的场景和套路。

由chao带着去逛了一趟google的office,完全被征服了。google的office简直就是个娱乐室：每天三餐都是免费的，而且有大量选择；pantry的食物就好像walmart的食品部，一应俱全；免费的完备的gym, swimming pool and entertainment system such as 游戏机，按摩椅，台式足球，钢琴；专门为工作母亲设计的childcare center; 员工的title可以自己设计，所以Chao的名片上的头衔就是：coding monkey；更重要的是，to encourage creativity, google给了员工大量leeway and free space. Every employee can devote 20% of their working hours to their individual projects (whatever they wanna explore）instead of the projects set by companies. If any results come out of this 20% paid working hours, google will share in the achievements, but if the indivdual projects yield nothing concrete, google won't blame the employees for wasting the time and the money of google!

一个下午，我和叶丰，在没有地图没有男人带路的情况下，徒步穿过了SF最繁华的地带，疯疯癫癫打打闹闹地走了一个半小时到了美丽的渔人码头（Fisherman's wharf)，像两个小学生。其实发现走路看风景是一种享受的极致。速度缓慢所以可以四处张望慢慢欣赏，可以想停就停，想往哪个深街小巷拐都可以。单纯美好的小幸福，其实可以这样唾手可得的。我真的很喜欢SF的干净整洁，喜欢那里的蓝天海风还有漂亮的Stanford campus.

LA就不是那么的风景如画了，市区脏而凌乱，据说6pm以后还在市区内游荡的人都是孤魂野鬼，怪不得要弄几个人为的景点吸引游客，比如Universal Studio and Disneyland. 我发现自己真的童心已泯，玩Universal studio时一点都不兴奋，觉得那就是儿童的天堂而已，和现在的我无关。或许以后有了孩子，偕老带幼地过来我会有兴致，但现在嘛，呵呵，我需要的不是那种玩儿过山车看木乃伊归来的刺激。

不过LA有一个很美的海滩Santa Monica, 就是野人花园(savage garden)唱的santa monica

In santa monica in the winter time
The lazy streets so undemanding
I walk into the crowd
In santa monica you get your coffee from the coolest places on the promenade
Where people dress just so
Beauty so unavoidable everywhere you turn
Its there I sit and wonder what am i doing here

在LA的第二天，我们开车去了两小时车程以外的和墨西哥接壤的San Diego。好美的海边城市，比厦门还清新还夏天，有全世界最大的动物园和很好的sea world。不过sea world嘛，又是个小孩子的乐园，我宁可去墨西哥边境张望张望，看看那里的hispanic上下人头攒动的景象。。。

Nevada: Las Vegas

世界头号赌城就是有气派，十里Las Vegas Boulevard全是高档酒店一个一个，里面有最好的套房最疯狂的show最诱人的赌场，极尽奢华，纸醉金迷。在那里，你不是逛商店而是逛酒店，因为酒店真的是金壁辉煌（小学的时候经常看这个词，这次是彻底明白它的意义了），而且建筑风格独佳。我花165大洋看了一场"O" by Cirque Du Soleil, the Quebec-based circus, arguably the top circus in the world. 虽然是杂技，但却非常地唯美动人，整场戏像一个话剧一样，以水为主题，温情脉脉地讲述着几个相互穿插的故事。165块钱啊，我1个月的伙食费啊，不过说实话，这戏绝对值我饿一个月肚子！

Arizona: Grand Canyon

雄伟壮丽－－仅此四字而已。我不是诗人也不是画家，无法用言语描述心中的震撼，所以预知详情，大家请看照片。

Washington State: Seattle

仅仅是路过，（我坐飞机到那里，再转大巴去温哥华）所以无权发表言论。不过在市区逛了一下，觉得很陈旧没有色彩。不知是不是受心情影响的缘故，因为头一天晚上受了气第二天又丢了手机。不过xiaolei, li yuan, xiaoniu, david, wenyu是大大的好人，帮我把手机找回来了. 由于我们不记得那出租车是什么公司的了，所以li yuan and xiaoniu called my phone non-stop till the taxi driver picked it up, and who later returned it to the taxi company in las vegas. then david who happened to be in las vegas at that time picke it up from the taxi company for me and then wenyu mailed my phone to me. so, now my phone is on its way back to its owner!!!!

British Columbia: Vancouver

都说温哥华是世界上最适合人类居住的地方，不过冬天去还是稍差了点，太冷又没风景。改次夏天去，一定爱上她。不过，不论是怎样的气候，他乡遇故知是很好的，ziwu, shengmao, lan yuhong, 竟然后来还碰到了wang guihua and dang yang, 简直是NUS海外大聚会，还遇到了一帮可爱的韩国人和几个极有个性的中国学生。ziwu和shengmao陪我去grouse mountain滑了雪，可惜我太笨太胆小坡太陡地太滑，好老师如李自悟同学也没把我教会，我摔了几次以后就自动放弃了。后来听说noc1月5号组织我们去pocono滑雪，到时候就是all the girls fight for the attention of the few guys who know how to ski, 我哭！彻底地后悔了，早知道当时就好好利用李自悟老师陈生茂TA二对一的良好资源多学一点了，唉！！！

坐了6个小时的飞机，跨越了3个时区，我终于又回到了费城的现实生活中。

明天，是新年，我想许一个愿：

God, please grant me

the serenity to accept things that i can't change,

the courage to change the things that i can,

AND the wisdom to know the difference!

离家三年来美四月纪

Mon, 04 Dec 2006 01:16:41 GMT

三年。。。"纪" 抑或是 "祭"？

12月3号应该是很多sm2或者sm3同学生命中值得纪念的一天。因为n年前的这一天，众多的少男少女手拖行李，离开家人，走出国门，走向狮城，告别熟悉，拥抱陌生，生命的蓝图是一张白纸，但愿手中能有一支神笔把未来肆意涂抹。

三年整前，我也是那人潮中形单影只的一个，17岁的少女，短发其耳，眉目如画，一脸懵懂，尚不知离别的痛苦，只觉得外面的世界很精彩，我的生命之花刚刚绽开，身后留下的父母远比我来得不舍。直到去了新加坡，最开始的那一段孤独挣扎痛苦失望的时候才深切思念起父母的好。再后来，习惯了，长大了，接受了，身边有了爱我懂我的朋友了，日子便变得安逸舒适起来，舒适得我失去了目标，背弃了理想。

4个整月前，还是一个人，拖着箱子，打包好身后的一切记忆，把它们带去遥远的美国给我取暖。这一次，20岁的我懂得感伤了，有些东西，可不可以选择留恋不放手？记得离开的那一刻，是凌晨6点，我坐在候机室里，托着下巴仰望苍白如纸的天空，觉得它很高很远很空很大我看不清楚也读不懂，就像我即将开始的旅程。激动，兴奋，留恋，惆怅，那一种青涩酸甜错综复杂的微妙感觉，就永远定格在微微泛白的天空的背景下了。

在宾大在费城，日子过得很有挑战，几个月以来哭的次数超过了几年以来的总和。作为交换学生的我们，活得比别人更有危机感更有压力，因为我们明白，暂时寄居在这里的我们，和沃顿宾大的正式学生并不在一个起跑线上。这里的机会纵然很多，但如果我们不加倍努力，它们并不属于我们。

写了这么多，却不晓得自己到底要说些什么。突然看到一个学姐blog上的一句话，最符合我现在的心境：

这亲爱的似水年华，我静静地躺在河底，看见潺潺流水，粼粼波光，枯叶，残枝，玻璃瓶，塑料袋，飞鸟的掠影，从我身上流过，流过了。

是的，一切都流过，终无迹。三年一觉狮城梦，赢得满纸荒唐言。

Thanksgiving

Tue, 28 Nov 2006 07:51:36 GMT

感恩节的流水日记

11月23日是美国的感恩节，是刚刚到美洲大陆的欧洲移民们为了感激上帝给他们丰收和喜悦的节日。我一直以为他们是为了感激当时印第安人给他们的慷慨帮助，没想到是感激上帝的，不过anyway, maybe God sent the indigenous Indians to help them, so they should still thank God in the end...这个感恩节过得不同寻常：终于见到了11年未见的Betsy and Bill Tacchella这对美国老夫妇.我们的相遇在11年前厦门的一家餐厅，9岁的我和他们聊起天来，然后就交换了联系方式。记得在谈话时我提到我喜欢集邮，结果他们回到美国之后就把家里的老信封上的邮票都剪下来给我寄过来了；之后我们就一直保持联络，谈话也由浅而深：宗教，社会问题，教育，等等。我觉得他们对于美国文化和基督教的骄傲就好像盛唐时期中国人对中国文化的自豪一样，so they genuinely and graciously welcome foreigners to partake in the immense benefits of their culture and their beliefs. 他们一直很希望我来美国拜访他们，来美国读本科，为此还给我邮寄过好多书提供了好多参考。。。最终，I took the easy way out and opted for Singapore, 他们为此还曾经很失望过. 不过，终于，我绕了一大圈后来到了美国，然后we started planning my visit to them since day 1 and finally...Thanksgiving! 他们甚至为我付了一半的机票费，也帮我付了所有的吃住行，包括去Chicago's 车票，门票，午餐晚餐等等，陪我到处去玩。都说美国人习惯于把地图丢给来访的客人就不管了，也喜欢AA制，可在这点上他们对我的招待就完全是东方式的了。不过，西方人毕竟是西方人，饭前我帮助set the table, 饭后我主动洗碗打扫卫生他们是一点都不阻拦的。

这是一个很传统的美国家庭，三大标志：一家三代女性都是stay-home mothers, 虔诚的基督教徒，以及儿女众多。Bill and Betsy's daughter Kim has 5 kids!!!这次感恩节他们的大女儿Kim带着丈夫John和孩子们回娘家过了感恩节，5个可爱的金发娃娃--Erica of 17, twins Josh and Laura of 14, Krista of 11 and Matthew of 9. 我夹在里面，既可以算是个“成人”和大人们探讨“高深”一些的话题又可以和孩子们疯啊闹啊，作个孩子王。Kim and Betsy真是贤惠无双了，they can make a variety of tasty cookies and cakes, and they are very good at neating and sewing!!! In fact they make their own dolls, their own bedspreads and their own curtains! 花花，这是不是你的榜样？如果我以后的老公像John and Bill一样智慧，又会疼老婆又会赚钱养家我也乐意呆在家里相夫教子，把家庭当事业一样经营。凑巧的是，While I was chatting with Betsy and her friends in a small bar of the town, we actually witnessed the proposal of a young man to his girlfriend~~~ Oh my gosh, this is so heartwarming! 我见过了纽约St. Patrick's Church 里的盛大婚礼，也见到了小咖啡厅里恋人的求婚，什么时候，才会有属于自己的那种温馨浪漫？

周六我们来了个“女儿行", all the girls went to Chicago for museums while all the boys of the family (including john and bill) went fourwheeling (see the male-female dichotomy here, haha?) Betsy brought her young friend, the 27 year old Rebecca along. Rebecca had a degree in music and now she's working on another degree in mechanical engineering!!! 美国人真是强，什么风马牛不相及的专业他们都敢尝试。在Upenn there's this graduate program for computer science that is aimed at taking in students who have their undergraduate degrees in anything but computer science, so you get students who did philosophy, psychology, music blah blah blah in their undergrad! I really liked Rebecca, she has such a bubbly temperament, so full of life and energy and sincerety! 在我个人看来，芝加哥很像纽约，同样是美国重要的商业城市，同样是高楼大厦栉次鳞比，车水马龙川流不息，同样有美观的建筑和比比皆是的大小博物馆，同样有一流的和城市紧密相连的大学--New York Universiy and the University of Chicago （他们的商学院都很好~）, 当然，也同样有犯罪率居高不下的某些pockets. 我们去了Museum of Science and Industry and the Art Institute of Chicago. 对于前者，里面大多数是带着孩子来参观的父母们，像我这种前不着村后不着店的尴尬的年龄，没有了孩子们好奇的童心又没有父母培养儿女的心情，逛起来真是乏味。后者就好多了，看到了很多值得把玩的艺术珍品。当然，我也终于见识了什么叫做contemporary art, 除了极少数以外，简直是垃圾！什么乱七八糟的没有灵魂没有感觉的玩意儿往那儿搔首弄姿装模作样的摆一摆就堂而皇之地摇身一变成了“艺术”，简直是对艺术的玷污！算了，不说了，最合理的解释只能是：art is in the eyes of the beholders. perception is subjective.

流水账就要写完了。猛然想起来还有很重要的experience with american airline没写,要好好控诉一下美国机场和美国航空公司的恶劣行径：

1. 美国是被恐怖主义吓得杯弓蛇影了。所有要带上飞机的行李都不可以有any liquid or half-liquid that exceed 3 ounces! 我带了一盒送给bill and betsy's godiva chocolate上飞机，结果机场的人却说：oh, milk chocoate, there is milk in there so that can be considered liquid! 我简直要当场晕过去了~

2. 星期三的晚上，去South Bend (where betsy and bill live)的途中我需要在Cleveland转机。到了费城机场，我被告知从费城到Cleveland的飞机延期３小时，而当晚Cleveland到South Bend's flight was cancelled due to weather reasons, 所以航空公司不负责任，我得自己在Cleveland找个地方呆一宿。当时我就瘫了：天哪，Cleveland这我从来没听说过的地方，让我深更半夜一个人去哪里找旅馆住啊？本来我打算索性咬紧牙关就在机场里面坐着熬一夜算了，但后来越想越觉得凄凉：Thanksgiving eve, 别人都是万家团聚，百般欢喜，我却一个人坐在空荡荡的机场大厅里面紧抱着行李入眠，多么不堪多么无助。我打电话对人倾诉，别人在电话上安慰我我似乎也就挺住了，可电话一挂我又鼻子酸得难过，后来忍不住跑到卫生间里大哭了一场。没想到哭完以后就时来运转了：碰到了一个日美混血儿帅哥，在全美排名第三的liberal arts college swarthmore里读哲学，聊天聊得很开心。他家就住在Cleveland, 所以飞机降落以后他陪我找到了住宿才离开。那一晚，我就在那个陌生的地方陌生的旅馆里这样酸酸甜甜地度过了。喵喵，我发誓：以后再也不要一个人旅行了！

3.　回来的时候，我从芝加哥专机，没想到我托运的行李却没来得及被抬上飞往费城的飞机，所以第二天下午才送到了我工作的地方。我真是背！好在在飞机上竟然碰到了从SF飞回来的NOC同仁Ronald and Gerald, 绝对的巧合，看到熟悉的面孔我真的好高兴好高兴，简直像见到了娘家人一样。到了费城机场，Dennis's flashy sports car就在外面等我，哈哈，好人啊好人！回到家，一家９口就我一个人回来了，剩下的人都还在Seattle or Smokey mountain, 于是，我开了全家所有的灯，一个人睡去。。。感恩节在我的睡梦中正式结束了。

如果你阅读到了这里，真是要感谢你的耐心，and here's a perk for those patient-minded who made it through, haha, as a small but genuine Thanksgiving gift:

感谢爸爸妈妈姥姥姨妈阿公阿婆，Thanks Bill and Betsy and Kim's family, 感谢姜超，罗PP, Stella, 许诺 etc, you make my highschool a truly memorable time!!! 感谢花花，小白，wanjing, jin di,车蕾, phoebe, 阳阳，洁纯，敏敏，阿珂，徐岩, zhang ye, shengyue, wenting, yanxi, yu miao, xiaoqiong, 李琤，龚正，海涵，luilui, 繁星，shangyan, 芦箫，Eunice, 国大中文辩论队全体同仁，文宇，郑佳，ni yang, yuansheng, liu xuan, changhao, Gideon, zhang wu, shufan, xinke, xinwei, haixing, wang bin, zhiyong, etc etc (pls don't feel hurt if u happen to find urself not in the list, cos it's just too long for me to list), I love Singapore because of you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 感谢所有NOC同仁们，感谢所有在宾大或者其他地方认识的帮助过我的鼓励过我的人，your presence makes my life in USA beautiful~~~~~~~

Last but not least, Thanks ZW and HF. Merci pour avoir m'aimé et merci pour me faire plus forte!

wharton asia business conference and its party

Sun, 12 Nov 2006 05:08:55 GMT

星期五我参加了一年一度的Wharton Asia Business Conference(WABC), 乖乖，没想到这个学生一手策划的conference还举办得有声有色像模像样，请了不少知名的VC, professionals in private equity, in IBD (investment banking division) of big banks etc来做讲座，吸引了包括专程从MIT, Chicago, Cornell赶来开会的人。由于头一天晚上只睡了4个小时，第二天肿着一双没睡醒的眼睛去开会，结果早上两个讲座统统昏昏沉沉地睡了过去, 本来觉得很guilty,结果醒来之后发现原来四座的同仁都差不多半睡半醒着。看来这年头做人都不容易，要读书要工作要旅游要party要CCA，所以唯一能牺牲的就是睡眠时间了，悲哀哟~ 不过整个conference还是有趣的，听了不少新东西，也认识了一些不错的新朋友。这次来了很多很多MBA学生，都是年龄一把了(平均年龄至少29-30)，resume惊人，不是investment-banking就是consulting, 开起party来绝对比undergrad更狠更闹更疯狂。这或许就是美国人的生活方式吧，工作再累都要party, 大肆喝酒大声吵闹大胆跳舞，一定要把工作的压力全部用酒灌下去和用肢体的扭动宣泄出去。听在纽约工作过的人说，这就是他们最喜欢的解压和社交的方式之一。有的人平时比较拘禁,hard to get close with,到了这样的场合，喝了几口酒整个人就high起来，话匣子也就打开了，再围在一起很chummy地样子扭一扭，干干杯，似乎距离就拉进了很多。这次conference结束以后晚上11点他们就在一个当地酒吧大搞庆祝活动，不满21岁的我跟朋友借了一个ID蒙混过关地进了酒吧。夹在他们一群“大人”中间，我显得很嫩很乖很不起眼，安静地拿着别人硬塞过来的酒杯坐在一旁，审视着舞池里疯狂的他们。有人逼着喝酒了我就小小地啜一口应付一下，绝对绝对不可以让自己喝醉（女生切记！）；有人硬拉着跳舞了我就随便扭扭然后以穿高跟鞋脚疼为理由逃回座位上，由于有了拉丁舞的一点点底子，竟然还有人说我跳得够sensual,晕！有人凑过来搭讪了就有一句没一句地聊聊，反正谁都知道在这种场合地下nobody's serious about anything，everybody's just having some fun, everybody's just networking。竟然还有两个人一口咬定我长得不像Chinese but a korean girl,真不知道他们想说我长得很plastic (which means fake!!!)还是很cute, since so many korean girls look cute cos of plastic surgery. 不过倒是很喜欢和一个韩国人的谈话，典型的韩国人的长相，小小的眼睛笑起来却很可爱，眯成了一条缝，看不到里面却觉得谈吐不俗，幽默而真诚。他的父亲是外交官所以他从小就在世界各地长大的。一提到外交官我就想起了儿时的梦想，联合国啊联合国。我心想，如果以后不喜欢做IBD我就应聘去联合国工作。听一个在里面工作的朋友说那里的活儿比较轻松，同事之间关系比较融洽，福利超级好，什么工作人员的孩子上学统统免费之类的，多适合女生啊！不像IBD,一群女人在那里和男人一样赤膊血拼，工作stress到要死了喝醉了酒回到家里却空无一人，只能抱着毛绒熊睡觉，年轻的时候这样拼几年或许还可以承受，年龄大了还这样就可悲咯！~

午夜两点，我熬不住了，和mandy and the korean guy突破重重阻拦冲出了酒吧，走在午夜的路上风很凉我很累却很清醒。我知道现在我并不完全喜欢这样的灯红酒绿,但我不知道以后工作了真的压力太大了会不会也就麻木了也就接受了this sort of artificial way of releasing stress, this fake environment of networking，然后就成了某个旁观的undergrad女生的subject of study and of ridicule. 有人说，人长大了那么情感也就跟着长大吧，哎，一切顺其自然吧，或许到时候我会发现现在的我是错的.

不过我接触的某些MBA还是相当好的，以过来人的人的身份给我讲他们的经历，他们的教训，给我意见关心和鼓励。谢谢Li Jun，谢谢Dennis, 谢谢Niles.

Halloween Party, dancing and the free turkey~

Mon, 30 Oct 2006 21:48:24 GMT

I'm writing this out of someone else's computer so forgive me that I cannot type in Chinese and thus my first English blog, which is basically just a dry narration of what happened in the past few days. guys, please bear with me for the mean time, till I write a proper Chinese blog next time...

This coming Tue (Oct 31st) is the Halloween, reputedly one of the most fun but also spooky holidays in USA. It's my first time to actually experience Halloween cos Singapore never really had the tradition of celebrating it, let alone China. On sat evening NOC threw its own Halloween party, everybody dressed up as much as they could. It was really hilarious seeing people dressed up in that way, exhibiting an alternative persona than what they are usually known to be. My top 3 favorites are weijie, xiankan and gim huat, who dressed up as a hippie, a pirate and a ninja turtoise respectively. Joey bought a costume on my behalf. It was a flimsy, scanty dress worthing only 5 bucks, I was supposed to be a devil, but apparently I failed, since nobody thought a devil should dress in such light pink...But we were not the truly creative ones yet, walking on the streets, you could see people dressed up in all kinds of weird stuff imaginable, some even daring the cold weather by being almost naked~

After the NOC party, we went on to the party thrown by club SG and HK, it was just soooooooooooooooo overcrowded, packed with people drinking and dancing wildly. I never liked that kind of environment much and thus left earlier but for those who stayed, most of them were totally gone by the time they reached home, gibbering all kinds of funny rubbish and many suffered from a hangover the 2nd day.

Sunday afternoon, I went taking Rumba and Swing dance classes from UPenn ballroom and latin dance club. I found that amazingly, after such a long while, my dancing skills seem to finally pick up, I seem to be suddenly enlightened and am no longer as clumsy as i used to be, haha~

The best part came on Sunday night, when our household, the 9 Ludlow angels (or devils) got a free turkey for exceeding a certain amount of purchase at Fresh Grocery. It took us hours to bake the turkey but finally it was done and we stuffed it with cheese and carrots and cherry tomatoes!!!!! Gosh, this resembles so much of a thanksgiving or a christmas. i really start to love this household, where there's an overflowing of fun, love and care.

purely random thoughts and babbling

Wed, 25 Oct 2006 23:17:39 GMT

When the going gets tough, the tough gets going

---Christina

费城的10月真的好冷好冷，风很大很凶，简直把人吹得无处可逃，每个走在街上的人都是披着大衣缩着脑袋揣着双手，惴惴地劈开风疾驰着。我住的地方，公司和宾大各自都只有10分钟距离，很完美的等边三角形，于是每天我就穿梭在寒风中去上班上学，现在是踏着满地的落叶来去匆匆，到了冬天踏着厚厚的积雪，不知会是怎样的感觉。

转眼间，我来费城已经三个月了，不堪回首的三个月。不知是我真的比较不幸，还是我太敏感太脆弱太不懂事，为什么别人去exchange似乎都好端端乐呵呵的，就我觉得自己再回头已是百病身？我常常责问自己I could have done this, I should have done this but I had done otherwise, 也常常忍不住埋怨it could have been this, it should have been this, it might have been this but they all turned out differently...所谓明知不该去想不应去想，偏又想到迷茫，甚至越陷越深。。。可是，这个社会是不同情眼泪，不相信懊恼的。如果回忆不美好，或者会带来伤痛，就不要去想了！！！悔恨之会让人对自己和世界越来越失望和不满，没有任何积极作用！我想起上次Christina's blog上看到的句子：

“不是因为我原本坚强，
而是，有使我，
使我们，
不得不选择坚强的理由，
和力量。”

我想是这样的吧，我被逼着长大了。

我也不知道这篇blog我到底想说什么。我想，与其说这篇blog是写给别人看的，不如说是写给自己的，发泄发泄，然后整理一下情绪和思路，重新上路。前方或许有光明，或许有坎坷，或许有。。。我也不知道有什么，但前方一定没有了以前那个爱哭的Estella...

P.S. 对了，前方还有美好的Thanksgiving and Christmas holiday! I'm going to visit the Tacchella family near Chicago for Thanksgiving and going to California for Christmas. My flight reaches San Francisco on Dec 16th, then to Los Angeles, then to Las Vegas, then to Grand Canyon, then to Seattle, then to Vancouver, then back to Philly, and then New Year's celebration in NYC!!! The warm sunshine of southern california and the white Christmas at Seattle and Vancouver await me~~~~~~~~~